To shame, or not to shame?

Identifying your values and letting go of shame.

* TW// Suicide and abuse.

A few weeks ago, my brother posted a video on Instagram (please follow him @almarlife) on parenting and its hardships. In this video, he talked about our mother and father, and he was so open and vulnerable about his childhood experience and the life experiences that shaped them as parents. Watching and listening to him at that moment, I was so proud of him—his honesty, his openness, his transparency. He was living his values out loud and in public.

He had let go of shame, and he had embraced his story.

This moment made me reflect on my own shame and values. Anyone who knows me or has interacted with me personally or professionally knows one of my values is empathy. I stand by this value so much that even when I meet new clients and executives, I state this proudly when I introduce myself, “Hi, my name is Jody Guetter, and one of my values is empathy.” (authenticity is another value 😊)

It made me question: If I value empathy, how am I living by that value if I still carry shame and even anger toward people who behave(d) in a way that hurt me?

Empathy and understanding

My father is an alcoholic and was an alcoholic and gambling addict throughout my entire childhood until he left our family in my very formative years (sarcastic yay). My mother experienced life-long trauma of physical, sexual, and mental abuse, was incarcerated, and suffered severe mental illness, including bipolar, until she succumbed to this illness and lost her life to suicide a few years ago.

I carried this shame so heavily for so many years, creating this narrative that because I was my parent's daughter, I, therefore, am my parents. I was ashamed of them, my life, and myself. I had ZERO empathy for them (yay, teenager angst).

In reality, my parent's challenges were much bigger than me or anything my adolescent mind could comprehend. They both had their own demons. Their own struggles, trauma, and experiences that they were battling with every day. They were simply trying to survive the best they knew how. They were both living in this constant state of fight or flight, daily responding to perceived harm, attacks, and a threat to survival. They weren’t equipped with the support or tools to help themselves or others. Incapable of nurturing, educating, guiding, or even loving, for that matter, so one turned to the bottle to forget their reality, and one turned inward, retreating from life itself.

I now reflect and hold them both close to me with much empathy and compassion. These two tortured souls were in so much pain themselves, and maybe, just maybe, if the world had shown them a little more empathy during their struggles, this story would have taken on different characters with new chapters written.

Letting go of shame

I have spent my adult years dissecting, analyzing, learning, and exposing myself to new thinking to better understand who I am and want to be. I worked on formulating and committing to a set of values. These values guide how I operate as a human being, regardless of the setting. One of those values is humility. With this comes constant self-reflection, self-awareness, and opportunities for learning and growth.

(Disclosure: I am still a hot mess and a massive work in progress- humility and vulnerability values)

Without this hard work on myself, I would never have recognized empathy as a core value. Without this mindset and perspective, I would never have been able to look at my parents' lives and experiences with compassion instead of anger, tenderness instead of coldness, and forgiveness instead of resentment.

Shame consumed me. Empathy has freed me.

Embracing your story

I used to walk into boardrooms, and imposter syndrome would set in. I didn’t think I was smart, experienced, educated, or tough enough. I absolutely told myself that I did not belong, and felt I would never belong. These were lies I told myself, to fit the narrative that I believed was predetermined for me at birth.

The lies we tell ourselves are just that. Lies, false narratives. Our own B.S.

As time, healing, and growth went on, that limiting mindset evolved to “Hey, I can hold my own against these guys” and now to “I bring something unique, different, and valuable to the table that others don’t.” (authenticity value)

It is important to underscore that this isn’t ego. The ego is about comparison and self-serving behaviors and attitudes. This evolution of mindset is about knowing your value and self-worth, leveraging your skills, and leaning into your talents and experiences that are unique to you.

For me, it is about showing up authentically, with vulnerability and humility, and that grit, tenacity, and determination deeply rooted in me because of my challenges and struggles are gifts to me that should not be squandered or ignored.

Your story is your best product; don’t deny the world of it.